Adrift Not, in this ‘Empty Nest’

Last Thursday, my youngest child graduated from our local college, with her first degree. In a couple of months, she will be moving over four-hours away to attend university that will be her home for the next few years, as she earns her more advanced degrees. My baby girl and I are very close and we will miss each other a great deal – we are very ‘Gilmore Girls’ close. And although I doubt more than three weeks will ever go by without us being together, I am aware that I have approached the point where many full-time mothers feel as though they have come untied from their moorings. I am grateful that I am not in that place, at this time. It’s sorta funny but I went through this 5-3 years ago. It wasn’t funny then, but in hind sight I can see how having my period of feeling adrift beforehand, allows me to truly enjoy and support this stage of my child’s development … As well as my own. Having had that anxiety in advance, forced me to give a great deal of consideration to what I am going to do with my time.

The first 25 years I was merely a byproduct of other peoples lives – the latter 10 spent in trying to heal from the first 15. The next 25 years belonged to my children. These next 25 upon which threshold I am poised – are mine. I am 51 and my life finally feels like it is my own. And I have a good plan for it.

New Phases

I was blessed with a Mama’s girl. A good one, too. At 21, she remains close to my skirts, still. Tomorrow night, my husband will board a plane from Oklahoma and be here all week. Although we talk to him several times a week, we have not seen him since 2008. On Thursday, her godfather will arrive from Connecticut. We don’t know whether her grandfather will take a bus or accept a ride from Tennessee…Her biological father died before she was born but it is lovely that these men come through for her. It is a transitional time as my youngest, my baby girl, prepares herself to walk across that stage and into her life. She simply has one final final to do and in less than a week, she will be graduating college with the first of many degrees.

Out and About

I’d never seen lavender tulips before today…

…as I was leaving the lab where I had the MRI this morning.


And then later, there were daffodils…


And white birch…


…at the Grafton Peace Pagoda.




It was a rather good day.

The Last MRI

I believe that even a certain percentage of people who are not necessarily claustrophobic, suffer a great deal of anxiety when going through an MRI. I have no evidence of this, it is just my opinion which I can assure you is colored by a great deal of bias. The fact that those things are the closest thing to what it must be like to be conscious while laying in a casket can go without saying. I have an appointment to have an MRI in exactly 3.5 hours from now.

The last MRI I had was last September. September 8th. I was surprisingly not quite as freaked out as I had expected to be so that automatically made things better, in a strange sort of way. But when I was fully loaded into that thing, I experienced the most god-awful fucking foreboding of death. It went beyond the MRI machine, my claustrophobia and the universal fear of being buried alive. Death was imminent and the irony of the realization hitting me while I happened to be in one of those things – combined with the absolute certainty of despair about to crush me … As it turned out, my absolute most beloved entity in the whole world, my younger brother Thommy died the next day. Although I had enough time to get down to Connecticut and at his bedside the last several hours of his life, I did not know when I went into that machine, that my baby was already in the hospital dying.

This morning is that follow up appointment to see about that anomaly that was intruding inside of my body. Maybe some time I will write about what it has been like trying to energetically manage a tumor while trying to temper the most desperate of rage. . .

 

To Sovereignty

There is a popular deflection
in American Myth-maintaining
that serves to put the displaced
on the defensive
whenever one asserts
her or his inalienable
right to sovereignty.

This is designed to get slaves to
shut up and be quiet;
obey their so-called masters
… And slaves do.

Then there’s the rest of us.
Personally, I do not accept
the denigrating designations
assigned to me.
I will pursue the truth
of who I am by
looking back at
who my Ancestors were
before the devils reign.

Uncle Sam and his
flat-assed mammy can
keep their genocide
…I will work out my own salvation.

 

© 2017 ((aka) Waaku Mu Sekhmet

Impermanence: Unstuck

I was a teen back in the 80’s when my Dad first introduced me to the Universal Law of Attraction. He didn’t use that term for the science he was describing; in fact, when it first came up – he didn’t actually say anything at all, he just left Uncle Henry’s book sitting out where I would find it and be sure to pick it up. I guess I was about 13. The book was called, “The Power of Your Subconscious Mind.” At that time, I was already well-read in various religions, mythologies and philosophies and had read enough developmental- and abnormal child psychology to have at least a bs degree. I was highly likely to abscond with that book, and I did. Cognitively, I got it. Employing the mechanics of it for results was more challenging. Over the years, I have studied this in many different ways but had the same difficulty – except for in emergency situations. But for decades, I just wanted to be able to use this Law of Attraction effectively, at will.

I started to get a deeper grasp on it in a way that made me think I might be able to ‘work’ it, when I was in my early 30’s, via a verse from the New Testament – Hebrews 11:1, when one day I realized what it was actually saying. The verse goes:

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” -kjv

The first thing I realized was that I had the initial inflection wrong … 

I grew up hearing this verse: “Now faith…” It dawned on me that it is more useful as: “Now faith…” 

So it was describing that Law of Attraction principle that having faith in or being sure of what is hoped for, now – is the key to having it. This realization rang true and brought me a bit further, but I still had problems implementing the principle. It was very frustrating, for a good many years because I would hear people all of the time, figure the thing out. I finally had a breakthrough in 2012, when I realized where I was having a problem; it was in the now parts. Prior to this, I had been engaging in ‘positive thinking’ and affirmations, while staying wired to the undesired now, conditions. I had to learn how to do something mentally, that we all probably do with our eyes, from time to time, where we make things look blurry by deliberately softening our vision. So I was in this truly precarious situation with my teenage daughter where we needed to be able to survive safely. Money was much needed. I think desperation finally kicked it into the grok zone but it dawned on me at last that I didn’t need to wish for desire or call money to me but rather know fully, that it was already there – and in great abundance. A shift in perception needed to occur that real-eyes-is that the unwanted condition of being broke and in need, was a temporary illusion that became such the instant I set a different intention in motion. I knew I was onto something once it finally clicked because I could feel it … and it has been working, ever since.

Actually…

I never thought of myself as a bitter person, but I suppose there are a few things that I do feel a bit bitter about. There are just some things in life that are just too jacked up to feel any other way about. For instance, when my kid brother died eight months ago, today – that was a very bitter day. That day has yet to set, in fact. In essence, he drank himself to death. And he was the loveliest man that ever was. It was hard to stomach – and still is, the grief of our parents when they are the reason why he drunk himself to death, in the first place. I am ever caught between my anger and my compassion. My compassion appears to win out, while inside I am seething with bitterness over the never ending unfairness of it all – even over the position of having to forgive them or it transfers their lifetime of irresponsible decisions onto me by making me out to be the unreasonable and unforgivable thing. It’s an awful feeling which describes itself…